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So, I've been work 16 hour days for t he past few weeks, and it looks like it's going to continue for another two months... worst part is that it's doing something I'm not really interested in... with an additional 20 hours of travelling per week. Makes me want to go and become a professional dog walker at times...

So, I need some cheering up. Anyone got some good jokes they could share? Short, tasteful ones would be most appreciated...

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--The Hermit

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they had set up their tent, they laid down for a restful night. After a few hours, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion. "Tonto, look up in the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars." The Lone Ranger asked, "What does that tell you?" Tonto pondered the question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabi?"
The Lone Ranger stared silently at his friend for a moment, then said, "Tonto, you idiot! It means someone has stolen our tent!"

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Moge

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Texan were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you! We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you and then use your skins to make a canoe! The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I will take ze sword!" The chief gives him a sword and the Frenchman yells, "Viva la France!" He then runs himself through. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please!" The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out! The Texan says, "Give me a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Texan takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the chest, everywhere! The Texan has blood gushing out all over! The chief is shocked. He asks the Texan, "What are you doing?!" The Texan replies, "So much for your canoe!"

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Moge

for Republicans:
Hillary Clinton went to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she was pregnant! The senator was furious! She was in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this had to happen to her! She called home and got Bill on the phone. Hillary immediately started screaming, "How could you have let this happen?! With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you?! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what do you have to say for yourself?!" There was nothing but dead silence on the phone. Hillary screamed again, "Did you hear me?!" Finally she heard Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, Bill said, "Who is this?!"


For Democrats:
President George W. Bush was in an airport lobby when he noticed a man in a long, flowing white robe with a long, flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. Excited, George W. approached the man and asked, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. G.W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man continued to stare at the ceiling. George then tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?!" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am!" George W. asked him why he was so stuck up. The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years wandering in the desert!"

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Moge

those are great IJT

_________________
Ryric Krael
Former Vice President AGN
Former Director, Section 6
Former Head of Department of the Treasury
-------
Ask not what your PA can do for you, but what you can do for your PA
"Gone Section Five"

_________________
--The Hermit

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were running from the city guard. The guards followed them into a barn and found three sacks on the floor. A guard picked up a pitchfork and lightly poked the first sack. The Englishman called out "Meow!". Not wanting to harm a cat, the guard moved on and poked the next sack. The Scotsman called out "Woof Woof!". Not wanting to harm a dog, the guard moved on an poked the final sack. The Irishman called out "Potatoes!"!

_________________
X2-PB

Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
Gednan Malithanar - Wizard (1)
Dukin Thunderstrike - Ranger (1)

Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were due to be executed by firing squad. The Englishman was first. Just before they were about to shoot, he shouted out "FLASH FLOOD"! They scattered in panic and the Englishman ran off and was free. Next came the Irishman. Just before they were about to shoot, he shouted out "TORNADO"! They scattered in panic and the Irishman ran off and was free. Finally came the Scotsman. Just before they were about to shoot, he shouted out "FIRE"! And they shot him!

_________________
X2-PB

Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
Gednan Malithanar - Wizard (1)
Dukin Thunderstrike - Ranger (1)

Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)

A horse walked into a bar, the barman looked up and said "Hey buddy! Why the long face?!"


A man walked into a bar, "OUCH!!"


A Mechanical Engineering graduate builds cars.
A Medical graduate performs surgery.
A Mathematics graduate does accounting.
A Sociology graduate asks "You want fries with that?"!


Hmm, I'm sure I can think of some worse ones! There is this one about a Carrier fleet and a lighthouse, but you've probably heard that one already!

_________________
X2-PB

Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
Gednan Malithanar - Wizard (1)
Dukin Thunderstrike - Ranger (1)

Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)

A Russian, A German, and an American are all riding in a plane together. They get to talking about their countries and decide to throw something that their homelands are known for from the plane. The Russian throws a bottle of vodka and says, "We're known for our vodka!" The German throws a bottle of beer and says, "We're known for our beer!" The American thinks for awhile, and then throws out a grenade and says, "We're known for our wars!"

The three then landed in Russia and came across a boy crying. They asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Because a bottle of vodka fell from the sky and it hit my head and it hurt!" he cried.

They then landed in Germany and came across a boy crying. They asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Because a bottle of beer fell from the sky and it hit my head and it hurt!" he cried.

So the three then landed in America and came across a boy laughing. They asked him, "Why are you laughing?" He said, "Because when I farted my neighbor's house blew up."

_________________
- Wiegraf Terrik
SWG: Human Commando/Pistoleer
WoW: Dwarvish Rogue (Herbalism/Alchemy)
EQII: Alazin, High Elf Wizard

Former Section 4 Director

"Please, if anyone were to play Obi-Wan it would be me, with the 'Luke, Luke save me' and the lightsabers going 'Vvvwiinnngg, vvwinggg, vvvWING!' -- Professor Frink

This was told to me by my Grandmother, who was born in Ireland, so take it in that context.


An Irishman, who is new to the area, walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guiness for himself.

The Bartender who served him takes notice that he drinks a sip out one, then the other, and then the last. He does this in turn until the drinks are all finished. When the gentleman walks back up to the bar, he orders 3 more pints of Guiness. The bartender, curious now at the somewhat unusual behavior asks the Irishman, “Wouldn’t it be better if I poured them for you one at a time, that way they’d be fresher?”

The Irsihman replied, “Well me and me brothers, we’re all pretty close, promised to drink this way whenever we were apart to remember the good times we have had over the years.”

The bartender thought that was a great sentiment and gave him the 3 orders on the house. Well, over time the Irishman frequented the pub, becoming a regular member of the pub and drinking his rounds of Guiness three at a time.

One day, he came in and ordered 2 pints of Guiness and returned to his table to be alone. Everyone seemed to take notice of this strange event, for his 3 drinks had become widely known among the populace. When the Irishman finished his round he got up and ordered 2 more pints.

The bartender said, “Sorry to intrude, but I just wanted to offer you my condolences for you terrible loss.

The Irishman got this very confused look on his face and then broke out in laugheter. “No, no, no…me brothers are all fine and doing well. I just decided to give up drinking.”

_________________
Dalaran: Arindel - Frost Mage (Mining/Alchemy)
Dalaran: Roran - Paladin (Weaponsmith/Blacksmith)
Dalaran: Baine - Rogue

That was awsome Arindel!

_________________
"I built me a bomb and dropped it on every MFer who got in my way!"

A man is out golfing with his wife one Sunday, as they have done every week for the past 25 years, when he approaches a tricky par 4 hole. He hits his drive behind a barn, which happens to be open at both ends, and is left with 2 options. He says, "Well honey, I can play it safe and lay up out into the fairway, or I can go for it and try and hit it through the barn. It looks like I have just enough room to try and shoot it through the barn and up to the green. What do you think I should do?" His wife looks at him, smiles, and says, "I have faith in you honey... go for it! Hit it through the barn!" The man smiles and agrees with his wife that this is the better option. The man promptly hits his shot, and it immediately hits the side of the barn and bounces back, hitting his wife in the head and killing her instantly.

The man is devastated and swears off golf forever. 3 years later, his friend convinces him to let go of his demons and give golf another shot. Reluctantly, the man agrees to go golfing again. Things are going well and the man is having a great time, when they come upon the same hole that had ended his wife's life 3 years earlier. The man hits the exact same drive behind the barn. Once again, he is faced with the same option of chipping out of trouble or going through the barn. When his friend suggests that he go through the barn, the man says, "No way! Last time I did that I got a 5."

_________________
TheMole
Section 5
Section 5
Section 5
Now Playing: WoW
--------------------

I can't believe no one has mentioned this one yet.

The funniest joke yet: LIRO!



rofl!



No offense, Liro. You da' man!

_________________
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God!

Pink Ping Pong Balls:

Once upon a time, there was a young child who was having difficulty in school. His father sat him down one afternoon to find out what his problem was, and to give him a bit of a pep talk. During the talk he promises his son to give him a gift of the son's choosing if he gets good grades in school. The son agrees, and really buckles down.

At the end of the year, his final report card arrives, and the kid has earned straight A's. The father keeps his promise, and asks his son what he would like for his effort. The son tells him he wants a pink ping pong ball. The father, slightly confused, complies.

As the son grows older, he discovers girls, but is very shy and won't talk to any of them. His father realizes that he needs to socialize, and again offers him an incentive to talk to the girl his son has a crush on. The son does talk to her, and informs his father that he wants ten pink ping bong balls this time. His father is still befuddled, but once again complies with his son's request.

As the son is going through high school, he falls in with some bad company, and begins to behave recklessly. He is caught with drugs and alcohol, and the father realizes he again must step in and help his son. He recommends a good hobby to his son, and offers to help him find one that interests him and help him get involved. His son agrees, and asks for 100 pink ping pong balls to get started. The father has no idea what to make of this, but as long as it is helping his son stay on the straight and narrow, he agrees.

Eventually the son graduates and goes to college. The father finds that his son is lacking motivation, and is skipping class and partying too much, and that his grades are slipping. Once again, the father steps in and tries to get his son back on track, offering him his choice graduation presents if the son will graduate with a 3.5 GPA or higher. The son feels that this is a reasonable goal to meet, and goes about his schooling with a more serious intent. Eventually he does graduate, and at his party, he tells his dad he would like 1,000 pink ping pong balls. The son also tells his dad how grateful he is for his involvement in his life, and that he has decided to go to law school.

The father is terribly excited about this, and it doesn't matter a whit to him that his son wants 1,000 pink ping pong balls for a college graduation present.

As the son is progressing through law school, his father notices that he is working hard and is very serious about his learning. His father is so proud that his son has finally figured things out, and perhaps listened to the advice that he gave his son, that he wants to reward his son for all his accomplishments, and help him get his practice started. As his bar exam approaches, he asks his son what would be the biggest help to him. His son tells him that he really sure could use 1,000,000 pink ping pong balls. His dad is very, very confused, and wants to know just what his son plans to do with a million pink ping pong balls. The son grins and tells him that he has a really great plan that will make them all lots of money. The son suggests that they go out to dinner to celebrate, and he'll explain the entire plan to them at dinner. His father agrees.

They go out to a nice restaurant, and during the course of the dinner, the son chokes on a fish bone, and dies.

_________________
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God!

Gah!


Thanks all, I'm smiling now. Keep them all coming!

Here's one of my favs:

One day, an old German farmer and his wife were sitting on their porch and watching their field. A large bull starts mounting one of the female cows. The farmer leans over to his wife and says, "Honey, remember the good old days? I'd sure like to do that again."

"Sure -- no problem!," she says, "It's our cow."

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--The Hermit

I have this old joke one of the english teachers at my school told me way back in the 80's. It might be considered a bit bad taste for some, but it sort of stuck with me for the last 17 years or so, so it probably had some qualities. Anyway, here is how I remember it.

An british vampire walked into a pub one morning. It was not an ordinary pub, it was a pub for vampires.
- Do you want a pint of blood, the bartender asked.
- No thanks, but I could use a cup of hot water, answered the vampire.

The bartender looked at him with strange eyes, gave him a cup of hot water, and asked: - Why do you want hot water?

The vampire responded by pulling a bloody tampoon out of his pocket, and said: - It is tea-time!

_________________
Leno WeEda - Miner
Locin WeEda - Hauler/Trader

Gew!!!! Uncool K'yp, uncool!!

_________________
"I built me a bomb and dropped it on every MFer who got in my way!"

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Cetera replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer.

As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling."

The bartender says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Oh, don't worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

_________________
Liro
"The english language is not a wedding gown, it doesn't get better the more lace you add. It is instead a thong. Less is more." From /.
I need to remind myself of this regularly.

Ah. Most of my jokes fall outside the realm of good taste but here is one that is not too bad.

A guy wins 4th place in his local golf tournament. For a prize they let him grab a dozen balls out of the basket in the pro shop. He shoves them in his pockets before heading to the office to do a little paperwork. In the elevator he sees a beautiful woman looking at his pockets with a strange look.

"Golf balls", he explains.

Still a little confused she replies, "Is that anything like tennis elbow?"

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"Chatfield, I think there's something wrong with our bloody ships." Admiral David Beatty, upon watching the battlecruiser Queen Mary explode at the battle of Jutland.

My name is Tobias Smith and I approved this post.

here's a bad one...



What's worse than finding a dead baby in a dumpster?

Cleaning the blood off your clown suit.

_________________
TheMole
Section 5
Section 5
Section 5
Now Playing: WoW
--------------------

No dead baby jokes! There're a million of them and they're all so very wrong.

_________________
- Wiegraf Terrik
SWG: Human Commando/Pistoleer
WoW: Dwarvish Rogue (Herbalism/Alchemy)
EQII: Alazin, High Elf Wizard

Former Section 4 Director

"Please, if anyone were to play Obi-Wan it would be me, with the 'Luke, Luke save me' and the lightsabers going 'Vvvwiinnngg, vvwinggg, vvvWING!' -- Professor Frink

A pirate walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender nitices a huge bulge in the pirate's pants and something looking like a steering wheel sticking out of them.

As he sets the beer down on the counter, he asks, "Is that a steering wheel shoved down the front of your pants?".

"Aye," says the pirate, "And it's driving me nuts."

_________________

All that got was a Gah!? Do you have any idea how long it took me to type all that out?!?!?!?!?!?!!!

_________________
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God!

It just left me feeling very empty...


A man one day is out shopping at a flea market. For some reason he is drawn to this very bizarre cup with a spout and a crok in the spout. The man asks the vendor what is the contents on the cup. The vendor indicates that the cup appears to be empty and the cork is locked shut and nobody seems to be able to open it.

For some reason, the man purchases the cup. His curiosity gets a hold of him and he tries to pull the cork, to no success. He uses various tools and utensils and nothing seems to work. Knives get bent, even his drill doesn't seem to be able to damage the cork.

Giving up he decides to shine it up and place in on his mantle anhow. When he rubs the lamp a gnie comes out and grants him 3 wishes. But, there's a catch. Anything he gets his wife gets 10 times more.

The man things long are hard for a couple minutes and decides his 3 wishes.

"Genie, for my first wish. I want to be the richest man in the world." POOF! the man suddenly has more money than he knows what to do with but the genie reminds him that his wife now has 10 times more than him.

"Genie, for my second wish. I want to be the best golfer in the world."
POOF! You are now the best golfer in the world, but you wife will always win when she plays you because she is 10 times better.

This gets the man feeling really distract and he walks away from the Genie in frustration.

After 10 minutes the man comes walking back with a big grin on his face.

The Genie asks, "Have you decided on your last wish?"

"Yes I have!" the man replied. "Genie. for my thir wish. I want to have a minor heart-attack."

_________________
Dalaran: Arindel - Frost Mage (Mining/Alchemy)
Dalaran: Roran - Paladin (Weaponsmith/Blacksmith)
Dalaran: Baine - Rogue

_________________
"Loose with Dignity"
Robert
Second President, Avian Gamers

DDO - Cannith - AlistairItor - Rogue/Ranger (5/3) - Main
DDO - Cannith - Guijanitor - Paladin/Rogue (4/1)
DDO - Cannith - RicochetItor - Rogue (5)

Ooooh, that's a goodie.

_________________
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God!

Yea, but you knew the punchline was before the end.

I like Arindel's.

_________________
- Wiegraf Terrik
SWG: Human Commando/Pistoleer
WoW: Dwarvish Rogue (Herbalism/Alchemy)
EQII: Alazin, High Elf Wizard

Former Section 4 Director

"Please, if anyone were to play Obi-Wan it would be me, with the 'Luke, Luke save me' and the lightsabers going 'Vvvwiinnngg, vvwinggg, vvvWING!' -- Professor Frink

Why do seagulls fly near the sea?

Cuz if they flew near the bay, they'd be bagels.

ha ha ha

That reminds me of the old one that begins:

A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop...

_________________
--The Hermit

What did one casket say to the other casket?

Is that you coughin'?

A man from China just arrived to the country and needed a job immediately. He walks down to a contruction site and speaks to the foreman about getting a job. The foreman needing some positions filled immediately decided to over look the obvious language problems and hired the man to be in charge of supplies. So the Chinese man scurries off to do his job. A few hours pass and the foreman has not seen the man anywhere. He goes out to look for him on the site. The foreman walks down one hall after another and still no chinese man. As he's walking down another hall, out from around the corner jumps the chinese man and yells "supplies!"

A man walks into a bank, points a banana at the cashier and says "Hand over the money, this is a muck up."
"Don't you mean a stick up?" The cashier replies.
"No, a muck up. I left my revolver in the fruit bowl!"

_________________
X2-PB

Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
Gednan Malithanar - Wizard (1)
Dukin Thunderstrike - Ranger (1)

Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)

?

Do they still have Firing Squads in the UK?

_________________
"Loose with Dignity"
Robert
Second President, Avian Gamers

DDO - Cannith - AlistairItor - Rogue/Ranger (5/3) - Main
DDO - Cannith - Guijanitor - Paladin/Rogue (4/1)
DDO - Cannith - RicochetItor - Rogue (5)