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PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2004 2:43 pm 
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For those of you who still read the various stories that people put in and want to make comments on, please put them in here.

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Last edited by X2-PB on Sun Aug 03, 2008 4:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 11, 2004 8:32 am 
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What happened to your own story. I loved it. Don't stop. I've been waiting a long time for the upcomming post.
Was thinking about making the space senarios in 3D so you could make a cartoon edition.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 13, 2004 3:28 pm 
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I'm working on the story, haven't had much time to write it for a while. I'll try and get a few more parts of soon.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 18, 2004 2:32 pm 
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I have finally started the story. There will be added some about one time a week.

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 27, 2004 5:16 pm 
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I'm planning a rewrite to what I have already. I'll do this during my holiday next week. Hopefully I'll add to it as well. I have some great ideas for later in the story, it's just a matter of getting it into a decent story.

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Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 28, 2004 11:20 am 
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Angus regarding Smuglers Blues revisited, What location are you in at the time of your first post, AC?

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 28, 2004 11:38 am 
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X2-PB wrote:
Angus regarding Smuglers Blues revisited, What location are you in at the time of your first post, AC?

Argh. I was in a little bit of a rush to get it done, and I forgot to mention that. Mos Eisley starport. He's got a new YT-2400 that is in the process of going from stock frieghter to a modified Smuggler ship.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 9:15 am 
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Finally some persons who makes real stories. Honestly I hate Word storys because:
1) They are dificult to read. (including understand the story it self)
2) Many joins it. Some kind of a hidden spam thread.

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Woo hoo! another laptopper like me! Wow that sounded wierd just now...


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 03, 2004 5:54 pm 
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ok, my story rewrite may be a little time in coming, I didn't manage to write any while on holiday :(

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Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
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Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 14, 2005 7:11 am 
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Nice addition to Smugglers blues, Angus.

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Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
Gednan Malithanar - Wizard (1)
Dukin Thunderstrike - Ranger (1)

Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 14, 2005 8:23 am 
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X2-PB wrote:
Nice addition to Smugglers blues, Angus.

Thanks. :)
I figured it was time to start writing again.

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 14, 2005 11:42 am 
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Angus MacGregor wrote:
X2-PB wrote:
Nice addition to Smugglers blues, Angus.

Thanks. :)
I figured it was time to start writing again.
I'd do the same if it weren't for the fact I have no time!

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Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
Gednan Malithanar - Wizard (1)
Dukin Thunderstrike - Ranger (1)

Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 6:26 pm 
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Hey, mod-type-peeps, could we get this stickied please.

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Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
Gednan Malithanar - Wizard (1)
Dukin Thunderstrike - Ranger (1)

Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 24, 2005 11:58 pm 
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So whats everyone think of the book im writing i gave you 2 excerpts of the first chapter


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 12:43 am 
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Hey Delsana,
Sorry for not posting earlier. I've just finished reading what you posted, and had some comments, as you had asked. I'm currently reading the book "On Writing" by Stephen King, and would recommend it for anyone out there who has an interest in writing fiction.

I spend a significant amount of my time at work correcting other people's business writing. I've also read a novel every week for the past 18 years (except for during my undergraduate years when I was more 1 novel/month). I've attempted to write fiction in the past, but have never got past 100 pages without deciding my stuff is crap and that I need more time to develop as a writer. Just thought that I'd list my good and bad resume points of being a critiquer. So, take nothing I say as gospel, and remember that advice is just a form of nostalgia. You're getting what you pay for.

So, negatives on style, first:
- There are a number of grammar and sentence errors that keep catching my attention. They make it hard to concentrate on the story. The very first sentence has quotes in the wrong place.

- The poll at the top is distracting, every time I read the posts, it glares at me. Keep the story and the critiquing seperate. I know you're looking for feedback, and a seperate post (which you did create) is the best place to receive it.

- The first paragraph really needs to be polished and grab the reader's attention. I'm still a little confused after reading it a number of times. The dialogue seems a bit long and unrealistic... real people speak in much shorter sentences, and if the say "buncha", they'd probably say "ported" instead of teleported.

- Work on the quotes and punctuation and capitalization. It should be - "the Captain's First Officer". Ranks are always captialized in English, and written ranks should be spelled out, unless there's vernacular reasons not to. For example, when I was in the military, I was called a "LT", not a Lieutenant, even though that was my proper rank. People in a hurry always come up with verbal shortcuts.

- All the "yelles the Captain" and "yells the captain" and "they yelled" get to be a bit too much. You have a good sense of action, but it feels too pushed. Also the other descrivtive verbs and adverbs are continuously too energetic -- "annilihate all inferior beings" (and it's spelled annihilate).

- Try toning things down a bit, it's too "over the top". Subtlety will convey a lot more of the good stuff.

- The 602 Xepta fighters and 59 Energy torpedos and 32 flickers of light and 10 soldires should be rounded... in a conflict or emergency, people don't think in exact numbers like that. Hundreds of fighters streaming out in waves would sound better. Also, consider the mechanics of some of this. 600 fighters don't immediately launch, especially if they aren't expecting an attack (the first two guys asking if it's a drill indicate this). It takes considerable time to get suited up, prep your fighters, launch in waves, get the air traffic controllers off of their lunch break, etc.

- Don't hit us with all of the new names of things at once. Xepta fighters, Reflector Cannons, Splyers, Mega Giggacannon... I want to know more about each of these, about what they can do, about their effects and how they're made... not just their names

- Is the 5th Lunar Sun a ship's name? Or do you mean the fifth sun that is orbiting a moon?

- Naval ranks are usually - "Lieutenant Commander" then "Commander" then "Captain" then "Admiral". The same Marine or Army ranks are "Major" then "Lieutenant Colonel" then "Colonel" then "General". The Prime Rainder Commander and Commander and Captain ranks get mixed up in my mind, and I'm losing track of who is who. It seems that someone is both a Captain and a Commander and possibly a General in the last chapter. Though he's also refered to as a captain near the end... I thought he was promoted?

- Is the content in the third file really something that would be publicly accessible?


Positives on plot next:
- I like the plot. It seems to be: Officer gets captured by evil guys who demolishes his fleet, is brainwashed and taught wicked ninja skills, then reverts back and helps his troops escape (it took three complete readings to get this, though).

- The descriptiveness and imagination is nice. It promises that you'll be giving lots of cool details on well-though-out weapon and combat and other systems. I'm hoping that will come later.


Overall recommendation:
- I think you're onto a good story, but it needs some work. I think you need to type it all in Word and spell check it before posting. Also, after writing, count the words. Leave it overnight, and then reread and edit it all once and don't stop until you've removed 10% of the words. There's always a shorter, more concise way of writing something. If you can't reread it to yourself 5 times, it won't be interesting enough to make anyone else read it

- Concentrate on the punctuation and spelling! Remember your audience -- most of the people here are in their 20s and 30s, or at least their late teens. We have many international people, and if the spelling or grammar is hard to follow, it will be really difficult for them to understand it

- Keep working at it!

- Hopefully, this critique doesn't upset you. :) If it does, just think that I put two hours into preparing it... and I'm trying to help. You asked for a critique a few times, so I thought I'd oblige. Please read through this and take it to heart... or ignore it if you think I'm talking out of my ass. ;)

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 1:34 am 
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Buncha Beans = Radiated Toxicated Jumper Beans

I was never good at quotes yes and im reading a book to help out on that but its not helping very much :(

Thanks for the comments

Some things to know

1. All military receive weapons training, and martial arts training.
2. Hes fighting for the entire Astradei which currently now holds 1000 people and not the 3102 that normally had gone in it.
3. He has to fight to defend it because hes the last of his kind besides the Centurion Android Fleet.
4. Superior beings wouldnt have any reason to hide anything for the 3rd Hololog he was a "Astranagar Raider"
5. The Astradei has superior docking and launching capabilitys their are 3 major launch decks and 5 lesser launch decks considering that the red alarm had already gone off they were getting ready by the times the explosions hit im quite sure everyone would have been at their stations and ready to fight.
6. The 5th Lunar Sun is a Space Station which is the name of the Astranagar Raiders Command Station.
7. True i should round numbers and heres the ranking He is an Admiral for the Raiders when hes Reeducated, the commander was executed publicly but thats a very gorey evil not pg rated area and i took that out, now that hes back with The Centurion Defense Force.
8. Their are over 30 types of ships 20 types of weapons for each force and 15 types of equipment im pretty sure youll be satisfied and please remember this is all being summed up in the 1st chapter and theirs 50 chapters this would mean its gonna be quite long and get better


Dont forget this is a precopy i would proofread it all when im done this is only 1 chapter each chapter is about 20 - 25 pages and has Excerpts

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 08, 2010 5:24 pm 
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You guys remember the small story I started a couple of years ago...

Well in short it is no longer the only story I've written. Though it was the first attempt of pre-SWG dreams/RP story...

Anyway I'm gonna take it and the others and rewrite them together to make a synopsis.
While it won't take up more than five pages of A5-format (8.27' x 11.69') it is a start.

I have re-written so many stories and made others that I suddenly had some 60 odd different characters with around 15 protagonist.

In the end I decided that I can take the core of those stories, slight re-write them and put in new characters, which I have been developing the last two years (both how they act and background stories) and put the stories into on universe which I have been making alongside the new characters.

I feel really good about this one and the universe, characters, base plot and storytwists through the story have been developed and is pretty much set.

While the story itself isn't written yet and still needs some development I have started on the first schetches for illustrations, I was wondering if anyone could be kind enough to host the images for me once I make some.
I think I'm gonna go with 4 media-types for this. Comics, novel, animated and computer game.

And for those of you who had the honor/unfourtunate fate of witnessing my old 3D creations - don't be frightened. I have improved a bit over the last six years...

Comments constructive aswell as non-constructive are more than welcome.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 10:42 am 
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I'm pondering starting a thread. I once wrote up a sizeable backstory for a halfling character I was going to play in a pen-and-paper RPG session that never really got around to happening. Since I haven't been playing any video games, and I have been doing a lot of reading, I've felt the itch to start writing again and maybe rework the background into a bit of a story. It would be something quite different from the fare that has been posted in this forum before. Would any of you be interested in reading it?

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 10:43 am 
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Cetera wrote:
I'm pondering starting a thread. I once wrote up a sizeable backstory for a halfling character I was going to play in a pen-and-paper RPG session that never really got around to happening. Since I haven't been playing any video games, and I have been doing a lot of reading, I've felt the itch to start writing again and maybe rework the background into a bit of a story. It would be something quite different from the fare that has been posted in this forum before. Would any of you be interested in reading it?


You're thinking D&D style?

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Madson wrote:
Woo hoo! another laptopper like me! Wow that sounded wierd just now...


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 11:43 am 
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Yes, much more D&D style, although it was for a custom system and a custom world. I had a lot of placeholder style names just for the background story, and I'd want to change that in an actual story.

The background story is also all 3rd person narator style, and I'd want to switch a lot of that up too.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 11:48 am 
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You could PM me an example of how it is now and how you want it.

I could either help out or give some constructive critique and advice based on that.

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Woo hoo! another laptopper like me! Wow that sounded wierd just now...


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 6:12 pm 
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Well, I'll be re-writing as I go. I wouldn't mind critique and editing in-thread.

EDIT: One thing I'm trying to decide is where to start the story. I've got some considerable background for him, and also a kind of adventure lead-in short story (that needs a lot of polish). I'm kinda leaning on starting the story in the "present" and revealing things through flash-backs, but I'm not sure how easy that will be or if I have enough material.

Maybe it would be better to do a narrative entry more like "In a hole in the ground lived a hobbit," style, and have at least the first part be narrator heavy. I'm unsure.

If you are interested, I'll create the thread now and just do a big dump of what I've got. It is currently very rough and unedited, for all of being 10 pages long in Word, single spaced with a double between paragraphs. (The GM wanted us to start higher than first level and have a reason for it, and gave XP and item rewards for good roleplaying and backstory.) I didn't write it all in one session, but I did basically write it in one pass, and haven't really gone back to proofread or edit too much.

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 6:59 am 
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Cetera wrote:
I'm kinda leaning on starting the story in the "present" and revealing things through flash-backs, but I'm not sure how easy that will be or if I have enough material.


Unless the flashbacks are part of the plot in general, you could tell background info more discreet by letting him do an action, and reveal it later during dialogue or somthing.

Flashbacks tend to get old really fast.

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