Avian Gamers Network

I just posted a book idea I've been working on with the help of some other Avians.

If anyone's got any reviews or critiques, I'd love if you could post them here. If you'd like a Word version of the story (easier to print out and read), it's at: http://www.crossler.com/jay/NaN_Book_III.doc

My long-term plan is to write three stories all set in the same universe, then combine them into one book. I'd eventually like to publish it, though I'm having tons of fun just writing it.

if it's too long, my appologies. If no one has any critiques, that's no problem, either. I just thought that I'd share.

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--The Hermit

Man, I'm super-busy at the moment and may be for some time, but I promise, as soon as I get the time, I'll do some proper critiquing for you!

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X2-PB

Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
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Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)

Thanks to some feedback, I did a bit of revision on the very first paragraph and the 'brains' chapter.

I think I was making it a bit too... nerdy. Hopefully, it's a bit easier to follow now...

I'd love any other feedback, especially regarding sections that are boring! Cut them all, says I!

Steven King said the best way to make a book into a good book was to cut 20% of it out. Since his books are so damn long, I'd hate to see what they were like beforehand.

Hey Yak, did anything every come of this? Did you ever post it for publication anywhere?

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"Perhaps the sentiments contained in the following pages, are not yet sufficiently fashionable to procure them general favor; a long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defence of custom. But the tumult soon subsides." - Thomas Paine, Common Sense

Nah, kinda let it slip with the new job and all.

I've been thinking of a host of cuts/revisions I want to do with it, just haven't gotten around to it.

I think the only review I got that was past the first five pages was Obo saying it was too techie -- Which I think means I really need to change the delivery in parts.

I was also thinking about re-writing it from the personal point of view, as many didn't seem to feel an affinity with the character that way.

Some day... it's on my list of things to do before I die.

_________________
--The Hermit

Hmmm, this reminds me, I've started writing my book in ernest. I'm in the middle of Chapter 4 already. Only 20 to go!

_________________
X2-PB

Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
Gednan Malithanar - Wizard (1)
Dukin Thunderstrike - Ranger (1)

Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)

I was a little confused at a couple of points, like how Jake's mother was alive when most of the people his age on Earth were dead. Something about her traveling to Alpha Centauri also? And, this is pretty small, but at one point he said something about getting millions of credits from UNSF for the mission, and then later he said he had a paltry salary that grew a lot with investment over time, and at another point he said he owned a megacorporation. Just felt like the references were a little jumpy.
Good story though, very reminiscent of Frank (I think that was the astronaut that got sent off into space by HAL) in 3001 at the beginning. Pretty nice action at the end, as long as there's a plausible explanation coming for how the ship could miss the rocks that caused the punctures. I think you also did a nice job meshing together standard futurist predictions into a realistic milieu, with the "online dating," space elevators, nanotech and what not. Halvin being the "child" of an AI and a copied human personality was a cool idea too.

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65 min: Fastest Accepted Member in Avian History (as far as I'm aware)
ARCHITECH (Peace to GG)

Thanks! You made my day.

I haven't looked at it in a few months... I should revise and fix a lot of that. I think the problem is I'm squeezing three stories or so into one... and it gets a little jumpy.

_________________
--The Hermit

Note to self: Really REALLY must find time to read!

_________________
X2-PB

Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
Gednan Malithanar - Wizard (1)
Dukin Thunderstrike - Ranger (1)

Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)

where'd it go? link's dead.

_________________
"Perhaps the sentiments contained in the following pages, are not yet sufficiently fashionable to procure them general favor; a long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defence of custom. But the tumult soon subsides." - Thomas Paine, Common Sense

The next thread on this page has the forum posting...

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65 min: Fastest Accepted Member in Avian History (as far as I'm aware)
ARCHITECH (Peace to GG)

DOH!

_________________
"Perhaps the sentiments contained in the following pages, are not yet sufficiently fashionable to procure them general favor; a long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defence of custom. But the tumult soon subsides." - Thomas Paine, Common Sense

For anyone wanting a direct link to the forum posting:

Here it is

_________________
X2-PB

Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
Gednan Malithanar - Wizard (1)
Dukin Thunderstrike - Ranger (1)

Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)

Well I hate to tell ya, but if a ship like that experienced a hull breach, you'd get explosive decompression and the ship would cease to exist in a fraction of a second! But as a sci-fi piece, we could probably ignore that!

Also Alpha Centuri, I believe is a binary star system (might actually be a tri-star system, can't remember). I'm not sure whether the planets in the system orbit the stars individually or as a pair.

So is there any more to the story or does it just stop at the point where everything goes haywire?

_________________
X2-PB

Pathfinder Kingmaker Campaign:
Gednan Malithanar - Wizard (1)
Dukin Thunderstrike - Ranger (1)

Star Citizen: - https://www.robertsspaceindustries.com/
AntanKarmola on their forums

Star Wars: The Old Republic: - Not really playing
Antare Karmola - Jedi Guardian (32)
Antan Karmola - Jedi Shadow (21)
Arianae Karmola - Gunslinger (20)