Hey Delsana,
Sorry for not posting earlier. I've just finished reading what you posted, and had some comments, as you had asked. I'm currently reading the book "On Writing" by Stephen King, and would recommend it for anyone out there who has an interest in writing fiction.
I spend a significant amount of my time at work correcting other people's business writing. I've also read a novel every week for the past 18 years (except for during my undergraduate years when I was more 1 novel/month). I've attempted to write fiction in the past, but have never got past 100 pages without deciding my stuff is crap and that I need more time to develop as a writer. Just thought that I'd list my good and bad resume points of being a critiquer. So, take nothing I say as gospel, and remember that advice is just a form of nostalgia. You're getting what you pay for.
So, negatives on style, first:
- There are a number of grammar and sentence errors that keep catching my attention. They make it hard to concentrate on the story. The very first sentence has quotes in the wrong place.
- The poll at the top is distracting, every time I read the posts, it glares at me. Keep the story and the critiquing seperate. I know you're looking for feedback, and a seperate post (which you did create) is the best place to receive it.
- The first paragraph really needs to be polished and grab the reader's attention. I'm still a little confused after reading it a number of times. The dialogue seems a bit long and unrealistic... real people speak in much shorter sentences, and if the say "buncha", they'd probably say "ported" instead of teleported.
- Work on the quotes and punctuation and capitalization. It should be - "the Captain's First Officer". Ranks are always captialized in English, and written ranks should be spelled out, unless there's vernacular reasons not to. For example, when I was in the military, I was called a "LT", not a Lieutenant, even though that was my proper rank. People in a hurry always come up with verbal shortcuts.
- All the "yelles the Captain" and "yells the captain" and "they yelled" get to be a bit too much. You have a good sense of action, but it feels too pushed. Also the other descrivtive verbs and adverbs are continuously too energetic -- "annilihate all inferior beings" (and it's spelled annihilate).
- Try toning things down a bit, it's too "over the top". Subtlety will convey a lot more of the good stuff.
- The 602 Xepta fighters and 59 Energy torpedos and 32 flickers of light and 10 soldires should be rounded... in a conflict or emergency, people don't think in exact numbers like that. Hundreds of fighters streaming out in waves would sound better. Also, consider the mechanics of some of this. 600 fighters don't immediately launch, especially if they aren't expecting an attack (the first two guys asking if it's a drill indicate this). It takes considerable time to get suited up, prep your fighters, launch in waves, get the air traffic controllers off of their lunch break, etc.
- Don't hit us with all of the new names of things at once. Xepta fighters, Reflector Cannons, Splyers, Mega Giggacannon... I want to know more about each of these, about what they can do, about their effects and how they're made... not just their names
- Is the 5th Lunar Sun a ship's name? Or do you mean the fifth sun that is orbiting a moon?
- Naval ranks are usually - "Lieutenant Commander" then "Commander" then "Captain" then "Admiral". The same Marine or Army ranks are "Major" then "Lieutenant Colonel" then "Colonel" then "General". The Prime Rainder Commander and Commander and Captain ranks get mixed up in my mind, and I'm losing track of who is who. It seems that someone is both a Captain and a Commander and possibly a General in the last chapter. Though he's also refered to as a captain near the end... I thought he was promoted?
- Is the content in the third file really something that would be publicly accessible?
Positives on plot next:
- I like the plot. It seems to be: Officer gets captured by evil guys who demolishes his fleet, is brainwashed and taught wicked ninja skills, then reverts back and helps his troops escape (it took three complete readings to get this, though).
- The descriptiveness and imagination is nice. It promises that you'll be giving lots of cool details on well-though-out weapon and combat and other systems. I'm hoping that will come later.
Overall recommendation:
- I think you're onto a good story, but it needs some work. I think you need to type it all in Word and spell check it before posting. Also, after writing, count the words. Leave it overnight, and then reread and edit it all once and don't stop until you've removed 10% of the words. There's always a shorter, more concise way of writing something. If you can't reread it to yourself 5 times, it won't be interesting enough to make anyone else read it
- Concentrate on the punctuation and spelling! Remember your audience -- most of the people here are in their 20s and 30s, or at least their late teens. We have many international people, and if the spelling or grammar is hard to follow, it will be really difficult for them to understand it
- Keep working at it!
- Hopefully, this critique doesn't upset you.
If it does, just think that I put two hours into preparing it... and I'm trying to help. You asked for a critique a few times, so I thought I'd oblige. Please read through this and take it to heart... or ignore it if you think I'm talking out of my ass.
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